I wish someone could turn off my brain for awhile, but yet my body still function. Like I could still live my normal days, just not feel so hard pressed. For example I’m seven pages into the new writing, which equals out to one chapter. And I’m looking at it, and I’m noticing how layered my life is. Or that I jump around from thought to thought. Everything is still very much word vomit and I suppose it’s drivng me mad. And I’m MR. critical, so that doesn’t help in the matter.
A friend told me recently in a email that ironicly a lot of the good writers think that their not good writers at all. And the one’s that think their just are amazing, really are not that good at all. I mean were told in the scriptures not to think to high of ourselves, or to low of ourselves. Yet there seems to be this on going process to finding the balance on how we rank ourselves based on our talents. A lot of people love my words, but because an agent has yet to endorse me, and handed me a nice advance that keeps me from seeing worthwhile.
It kills to crave perfection, someone could rank me a perfect ten as a writer, and I’d give myself a two or a four. It’s the same way with life. Some say that we’ve lived a great live, but really feel like we haven’t lived a great life. I don’t think I’m very good at living life at all, especially when it comes to living the life of a Christian.
All I really want to do is just is open up this heart of mine, and share with the world what’s being going on in my life. But I hold myself back because I’m afraid of the possible reprocussians that might come my way. I was reading MSN news the other day, and this famous female Country singer came out as a homosexual. She was saying how she was on her knees praying, and as she was she felt God whisper to her: All I want for you to do is just tell the truth.” The truth about her life… Man is that powerful, and I’m not even saying that agree or disagree with what she’s chosen to do in her life.
But as a writer, I have some what of a moral responsability to tell the truth. Right? I was sitting in my room yesterday, everything was quiet. And I just starting praying that I wanted to make God happy with the talents he’s given me. Again, this is where perfection kills me, I want to give him something perfect. The truth is I can’t, but I can give him my utter most best.
Yes, I’m a people pleaser, I want people to like me and love. But even when you give everything you got, someones not going to like it. So I think a lot of people have to find what is worth more to them..