24 July 2010

On Inner Belief and Persistence.

I just want to say that this is going to be my very first blog that will be written in my underwear. It’s fun an relaxing, and I like it!
A thought came to mind a few moments ago, and it had to do with my self confidence. I can remember growing up being somewhat confident in anything I was going up against in life. It didn’t matter what it was, because there was a determination to get the victory over the challenge in front of me.
When I first started Judo, as a kid I probably only weighed about 90 some pounds all together, the first kid I ever took on in Rondori (sparring) out weighed me by a hundred pounds I bet. My buddy Rich was a brown belt at the time. He watched from the sidelines as me and the bigger kid squared off. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to move the kid a whole lot, so I attacked his legs and caused him to loose balance several times.
After that I felt like I could take on anyone, no matter the height or weight. My buddy Rich afterwards patted me on the back and said: “man, you kicked his ass!” A grin went from ear to ear. Looking back on it, I’m not sure what happened to it. I used to have a confidence when talking to girls, but now oh days I refrain, for the fact that I might sound really stupid.
The other day I was sitting in the lobby before seeing my counselor, and this girl walked in an smiled at me. And I returned one back, but then she just went back to texting her life away on her phone. I made compliments on her tattoos, and she would look up an smile. A few moments later I asked how she was, but she just kinda shrugged her shoulders and kept texting.
I haven’t always been like this, afraid of failure. But I am. I’ve found that my inner belief is linked to the beliefs of others around me. I have big goals in my sites, but it seems like people are waiting for me to fall on my ass, so that I know just how hard some things are in life.
I swear to you, I’m not clueless. I know that the world we live in is very cruel, twisted and unfair. It’s like walking/running on a treadmill. If your legs and feet are not moving fast enough, you can fall down flat on your face. You can try to go as fast as you can to keep up, but no matter how hard you try, sometimes you need someone to come saving you from becoming a cartoon charecter.
There is a segment in the Matrix that goes like this:
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or
purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, Why? Why do you persist?
That is exactly what repeats in my ear. Why do we choose to keep running up stream? It’s because we long for rest, a drink of refreshing water, knowing we fought our hearts out. That’s why I persist. Inner confidence can sometimes be hidden in our eyes, but there’s a fire in the belly that compells to keep us moving forward.
I have hope in the pit of my stomach. Do you have hope?

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