So,
I just want to say that this is going to be my very first blog that will be written in my underwear. It’s fun an relaxing, and I like it!
A thought came to mind a few moments ago, and it had to do with my self confidence. I can remember growing up being somewhat confident in anything I was going up against in life. It didn’t matter what it was, because there was a determination to get the victory over the challenge in front of me.
When I first started Judo, as a kid I probably only weighed about 90 some pounds all together, the first kid I ever took on in Rondori (sparring) out weighed me by a hundred pounds I bet. My buddy Rich was a brown belt at the time. He watched from the sidelines as me and the bigger kid squared off. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to move the kid a whole lot, so I attacked his legs and caused him to loose balance several times.
After that I felt like I could take on anyone, no matter the height or weight. My buddy Rich afterwards patted me on the back and said: “man, you kicked his ass!” A grin went from ear to ear. Looking back on it, I’m not sure what happened to it. I used to have a confidence when talking to girls, but now oh days I refrain, for the fact that I might sound really stupid.
The other day I was sitting in the lobby before seeing my counselor, and this girl walked in an smiled at me. And I returned one back, but then she just went back to texting her life away on her phone. I made compliments on her tattoos, and she would look up an smile. A few moments later I asked how she was, but she just kinda shrugged her shoulders and kept texting.
I haven’t always been like this, afraid of failure. But I am. I’ve found that my inner belief is linked to the beliefs of others around me. I have big goals in my sites, but it seems like people are waiting for me to fall on my ass, so that I know just how hard some things are in life.
I swear to you, I’m not clueless. I know that the world we live in is very cruel, twisted and unfair. It’s like walking/running on a treadmill. If your legs and feet are not moving fast enough, you can fall down flat on your face. You can try to go as fast as you can to keep up, but no matter how hard you try, sometimes you need someone to come saving you from becoming a cartoon charecter.
There is a segment in the Matrix that goes like this:
Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or
purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, Why? Why do you persist?
That is exactly what repeats in my ear. Why do we choose to keep running up stream? It’s because we long for rest, a drink of refreshing water, knowing we fought our hearts out. That’s why I persist. Inner confidence can sometimes be hidden in our eyes, but there’s a fire in the belly that compells to keep us moving forward.
I have hope in the pit of my stomach. Do you have hope?
-Brandon
Showing posts with label The Emotional Struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Emotional Struggle. Show all posts
24 July 2010
Concering Scripture and Skin Hunger.
Hello all my friends in Blog world. I hope you all are well and drinking lots of water. Wow that was a great opening line huh? The folks at Gatorade would be highly, highly impressed. I really have no idea why I just wrote that, but hey, it sounded funny in my head.
Life has been pretty well, still cooking and learned how to do laundry as well. Next on the list is to tackle driving, and handle some more stuff concerning going back to College. So yeah, things are movin and grooven.
Patients though, well that’s another thing all in it’s self. Humans want things right now, and not any other time. Myself included. Anyway in terms of my writing I’m making a good amount of progress, the pages are adding up and things seem to be taking shape. However slow, however nerve wracking.
Even though the topic of touch and skin hunger are spilling over in my life, a certain timid-ness makes it’s self known in my heart and guts. To me these are important issues, yet I’m so sure (in numbers) how important it is to other people.
Currently I’m sharing about a girl who is Autistic, was abandoned by her parents and left to be raised by dogs for six years, that’s not the whole story there’re so very powerful redeeming qualities to it. Developmentally this young lady is only six years old, in a twenty-three year olds body. Her story captures me, and I see and sence God’s love for her. And that he has given her nothing but love, grace and compassion.
These are my convictions, the other day I was praying for certain scriptures that I could use in these writings. The first one that came to mind was Luke 18:15-17; which reads like this:
“Some people were even bringing infants to him so he might touch them, (key word-touch) but when the disciples saw it they rebuked them. (The babies and children’s parents Jesus, however, invited them: Let the little children come to me, and don’t stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
Perhaps I’m in danger of taking this out of it’s proper context, but this young lady, developmentally is still a child. A beautiful one at that, and I believe that this verse calls out to people such as her. I simply do not see why God would extend his hand to her.
What do you think? Am I in danger of taking the verse out of it’s context?
Can you help me think of other passages in scripture that deal with touch or skin hunger?
Thoughts and comments are welcome.
Life has been pretty well, still cooking and learned how to do laundry as well. Next on the list is to tackle driving, and handle some more stuff concerning going back to College. So yeah, things are movin and grooven.
Patients though, well that’s another thing all in it’s self. Humans want things right now, and not any other time. Myself included. Anyway in terms of my writing I’m making a good amount of progress, the pages are adding up and things seem to be taking shape. However slow, however nerve wracking.
Even though the topic of touch and skin hunger are spilling over in my life, a certain timid-ness makes it’s self known in my heart and guts. To me these are important issues, yet I’m so sure (in numbers) how important it is to other people.
Currently I’m sharing about a girl who is Autistic, was abandoned by her parents and left to be raised by dogs for six years, that’s not the whole story there’re so very powerful redeeming qualities to it. Developmentally this young lady is only six years old, in a twenty-three year olds body. Her story captures me, and I see and sence God’s love for her. And that he has given her nothing but love, grace and compassion.
These are my convictions, the other day I was praying for certain scriptures that I could use in these writings. The first one that came to mind was Luke 18:15-17; which reads like this:
“Some people were even bringing infants to him so he might touch them, (key word-touch) but when the disciples saw it they rebuked them. (The babies and children’s parents Jesus, however, invited them: Let the little children come to me, and don’t stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
Perhaps I’m in danger of taking this out of it’s proper context, but this young lady, developmentally is still a child. A beautiful one at that, and I believe that this verse calls out to people such as her. I simply do not see why God would extend his hand to her.
What do you think? Am I in danger of taking the verse out of it’s context?
Can you help me think of other passages in scripture that deal with touch or skin hunger?
Thoughts and comments are welcome.
On Perfection and Truth -Rant-
I wish someone could turn off my brain for awhile, but yet my body still function. Like I could still live my normal days, just not feel so hard pressed. For example I’m seven pages into the new writing, which equals out to one chapter. And I’m looking at it, and I’m noticing how layered my life is. Or that I jump around from thought to thought. Everything is still very much word vomit and I suppose it’s drivng me mad. And I’m MR. critical, so that doesn’t help in the matter.
A friend told me recently in a email that ironicly a lot of the good writers think that their not good writers at all. And the one’s that think their just are amazing, really are not that good at all. I mean were told in the scriptures not to think to high of ourselves, or to low of ourselves. Yet there seems to be this on going process to finding the balance on how we rank ourselves based on our talents. A lot of people love my words, but because an agent has yet to endorse me, and handed me a nice advance that keeps me from seeing worthwhile.
It kills to crave perfection, someone could rank me a perfect ten as a writer, and I’d give myself a two or a four. It’s the same way with life. Some say that we’ve lived a great live, but really feel like we haven’t lived a great life. I don’t think I’m very good at living life at all, especially when it comes to living the life of a Christian.
All I really want to do is just is open up this heart of mine, and share with the world what’s being going on in my life. But I hold myself back because I’m afraid of the possible reprocussians that might come my way. I was reading MSN news the other day, and this famous female Country singer came out as a homosexual. She was saying how she was on her knees praying, and as she was she felt God whisper to her: All I want for you to do is just tell the truth.” The truth about her life… Man is that powerful, and I’m not even saying that agree or disagree with what she’s chosen to do in her life.
But as a writer, I have some what of a moral responsability to tell the truth. Right? I was sitting in my room yesterday, everything was quiet. And I just starting praying that I wanted to make God happy with the talents he’s given me. Again, this is where perfection kills me, I want to give him something perfect. The truth is I can’t, but I can give him my utter most best.
Yes, I’m a people pleaser, I want people to like me and love. But even when you give everything you got, someones not going to like it. So I think a lot of people have to find what is worth more to them..
-Brandon
A friend told me recently in a email that ironicly a lot of the good writers think that their not good writers at all. And the one’s that think their just are amazing, really are not that good at all. I mean were told in the scriptures not to think to high of ourselves, or to low of ourselves. Yet there seems to be this on going process to finding the balance on how we rank ourselves based on our talents. A lot of people love my words, but because an agent has yet to endorse me, and handed me a nice advance that keeps me from seeing worthwhile.
It kills to crave perfection, someone could rank me a perfect ten as a writer, and I’d give myself a two or a four. It’s the same way with life. Some say that we’ve lived a great live, but really feel like we haven’t lived a great life. I don’t think I’m very good at living life at all, especially when it comes to living the life of a Christian.
All I really want to do is just is open up this heart of mine, and share with the world what’s being going on in my life. But I hold myself back because I’m afraid of the possible reprocussians that might come my way. I was reading MSN news the other day, and this famous female Country singer came out as a homosexual. She was saying how she was on her knees praying, and as she was she felt God whisper to her: All I want for you to do is just tell the truth.” The truth about her life… Man is that powerful, and I’m not even saying that agree or disagree with what she’s chosen to do in her life.
But as a writer, I have some what of a moral responsability to tell the truth. Right? I was sitting in my room yesterday, everything was quiet. And I just starting praying that I wanted to make God happy with the talents he’s given me. Again, this is where perfection kills me, I want to give him something perfect. The truth is I can’t, but I can give him my utter most best.
Yes, I’m a people pleaser, I want people to like me and love. But even when you give everything you got, someones not going to like it. So I think a lot of people have to find what is worth more to them..
-Brandon
02 May 2010
Fire and Water
Hey Guys,
I have returned from my vacation in Portland, it was awesome. I visited my friend Garret, slept in a room full of books and movies. Slept on a Memory Foam Mattress, which was pretty comfy. For the first time I learned how to cut things with a knife, make rice and a whole bunch of other stuff. Also I did a whole bunch of dishes, which is some what of a therapy for me. Weird huh? Portland is a very beautiful place, it thrives with artists of all kinds, the trees are massive and very green.
I miss it so much, it was cool waking up to community everyday. People who do life together everyday, share struggles, food and laughs together. I’ve made some really awesome new friends while being there, I’d share a lot of the beautiful moments that I had there. However they will be saved for the new book, which is going very well. Wrapping up chapter one sometime this week.
Counseling is going well, though I’ve only just started , it’s cool to have a safe place to go to. Being in Portland lit a fire in my heart. I have an ache in my heart for the outcasts in this world, ones that have fallen through the cracks in life.
I’m tired of seeing life being wasted, people going through life without passion. To some people life is just life, a event in which we live, do are thing and that’s the end of it. And if I may say so, that is very sad. It breaks my heart. For me, in my understanding, once your dead, your dead. You cannot have a repeat.
In the movie brave heart, there’s a line that goes like this: I DON’T WANT TO LOOSE HEART, I want to believe as he did.”
I want to live my life, knowing that when that last breath leaves my body, I will know that I poured myself out like a drink offering. For the last handful of years I’ve had a vision of teens and young adults throwing notebooks on the ground one by one. In each of these notebook was the story of each young life. I’d love to give every young person a chance to share their story with the world, not in terms of publication. But as a way to leave something beautiful behind. I’m not sure how this would happen, however it is something I’m willing to give my time too.
I LOVE you guys, take it easy and live wide awake.
-Brandon
I have returned from my vacation in Portland, it was awesome. I visited my friend Garret, slept in a room full of books and movies. Slept on a Memory Foam Mattress, which was pretty comfy. For the first time I learned how to cut things with a knife, make rice and a whole bunch of other stuff. Also I did a whole bunch of dishes, which is some what of a therapy for me. Weird huh? Portland is a very beautiful place, it thrives with artists of all kinds, the trees are massive and very green.
I miss it so much, it was cool waking up to community everyday. People who do life together everyday, share struggles, food and laughs together. I’ve made some really awesome new friends while being there, I’d share a lot of the beautiful moments that I had there. However they will be saved for the new book, which is going very well. Wrapping up chapter one sometime this week.
Counseling is going well, though I’ve only just started , it’s cool to have a safe place to go to. Being in Portland lit a fire in my heart. I have an ache in my heart for the outcasts in this world, ones that have fallen through the cracks in life.
I’m tired of seeing life being wasted, people going through life without passion. To some people life is just life, a event in which we live, do are thing and that’s the end of it. And if I may say so, that is very sad. It breaks my heart. For me, in my understanding, once your dead, your dead. You cannot have a repeat.
In the movie brave heart, there’s a line that goes like this: I DON’T WANT TO LOOSE HEART, I want to believe as he did.”
I want to live my life, knowing that when that last breath leaves my body, I will know that I poured myself out like a drink offering. For the last handful of years I’ve had a vision of teens and young adults throwing notebooks on the ground one by one. In each of these notebook was the story of each young life. I’d love to give every young person a chance to share their story with the world, not in terms of publication. But as a way to leave something beautiful behind. I’m not sure how this would happen, however it is something I’m willing to give my time too.
I LOVE you guys, take it easy and live wide awake.
-Brandon
01 November 2009
I never know what to put here!
Hello all,
It’s time for an update. Things are going well in the world of Brandon Ryan, recently The Emotional Struggle has been flying off the shelves of a few independant bookstores. The responses from friends and people from amongst the globe have been very inspiring to me.
I’ll share with you, a review that I read a few days ago. It’s from an Athiest friend of mine:
I really enjoyed this book. I read it in one sitting. You can really feel the emotion and hard work was put into this book. After reading this book I knew that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.I give this book 10 starts out of 10 just for being raw and being truthful. Brandon is an amazing writer I hope to read many more of his books. It was an honor to be able to read this book and see his world through his eyes.
This probably means more to me, than any other review that was written by a Christian. I’ve said this a lot, but I’m not out to convert anyone. It’s not my job, my hope from the very start is to build a bridge between hope and despair. I don’t want to make people heavenly statistics. Of course, I’d love for everyone to know the same love that has changed my life.
But if it’s going to happen, it’s going to be real and true. And I know that Jesus is at work, using his sword to poke around in our hearts. He says that he has not come to bring peace, but a sword. A lot of people use this as a comfort tool, because God’s gonna bring-eth the smack-eth-down-eth. Okay, if that works for you, cool. However I’ve to come to realize from a close friend, that this statement might just carry a deeper truth.
Are lives aren’t comfortable, at least my life isn’t. God doesn’t spoon feed me, but instead he wants for you and me, to have the best life possible. And if that means him poking at areas in my life that I’d rather not deal with, it’s not because he’s angry or that he has steam coming out of his nose. But because he cares. In other words, God wants us to live better stories with our lives.
It’s only going to be a matter of time before I sit down to pound out my next memoir. Everything is falling into place for it. I’m hoping to make it much more personal and honest than my first. I wanna make mae people laugh more and cry harder. It wasn’t my intention with my first book, but it will be with this one!
Please keep helping me plug The Emotional Struggle.
-Brandon
It’s time for an update. Things are going well in the world of Brandon Ryan, recently The Emotional Struggle has been flying off the shelves of a few independant bookstores. The responses from friends and people from amongst the globe have been very inspiring to me.
I’ll share with you, a review that I read a few days ago. It’s from an Athiest friend of mine:
I really enjoyed this book. I read it in one sitting. You can really feel the emotion and hard work was put into this book. After reading this book I knew that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.I give this book 10 starts out of 10 just for being raw and being truthful. Brandon is an amazing writer I hope to read many more of his books. It was an honor to be able to read this book and see his world through his eyes.
This probably means more to me, than any other review that was written by a Christian. I’ve said this a lot, but I’m not out to convert anyone. It’s not my job, my hope from the very start is to build a bridge between hope and despair. I don’t want to make people heavenly statistics. Of course, I’d love for everyone to know the same love that has changed my life.
But if it’s going to happen, it’s going to be real and true. And I know that Jesus is at work, using his sword to poke around in our hearts. He says that he has not come to bring peace, but a sword. A lot of people use this as a comfort tool, because God’s gonna bring-eth the smack-eth-down-eth. Okay, if that works for you, cool. However I’ve to come to realize from a close friend, that this statement might just carry a deeper truth.
Are lives aren’t comfortable, at least my life isn’t. God doesn’t spoon feed me, but instead he wants for you and me, to have the best life possible. And if that means him poking at areas in my life that I’d rather not deal with, it’s not because he’s angry or that he has steam coming out of his nose. But because he cares. In other words, God wants us to live better stories with our lives.
It’s only going to be a matter of time before I sit down to pound out my next memoir. Everything is falling into place for it. I’m hoping to make it much more personal and honest than my first. I wanna make mae people laugh more and cry harder. It wasn’t my intention with my first book, but it will be with this one!
Please keep helping me plug The Emotional Struggle.
-Brandon
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